A Curmudgeon's Analysis of the US Automaker Bailout

A friend on mine once called me a curmudgeon. And I agreed -- well, kind of. A curmudgeon is defined as a crusty hotheaded cantankerous old person full of stubborn ideas. Generally speaking I'm a pretty nice guy, but it will be difficult to bring out my non-crusty, agreeable, go-with-the-flow side if you bring up the US automaker bailout.

With $700 of "bailout" money ripe for the picking, corporations large and small are looking for their piece of the pie -- including US automakers. Things are starting to look like the aftermath of a funeral. A rich man with a missing will has passed away unexpectedly and all of his grandkids are milling around. They're trying to get a piece of the estate, justifying their worthiness by any means possible. The funny thing is, a bunch of self-important knuckleheads in our legislature are going to decide who gets what.

This week marked the first time in my life that I watched C-Span for two nights straight (much to my surprise, my brain didn't turn into cottage cheese). The CEOs of the big three automakers were giving testimony to the self-important knuckleheads about why they should be permitted to borrow approximately 3.5% of the money that has been allocated to "fix" the economy. As I watched these three assholes ask for money, I began to understand why their companies are about to die. When asked if they (the automakers) would ever return with their tin cups, Rick Wagoner, CEO of GM, replied "well, I can only guarantee that I won't be back if you can guarantee me that the economy won't continue to fail." That moment is when they lost my support.

At that moment, I realized that those cocky SOBs didn't have a humble bone in their bodies. Instead of accepting responsibility for messing up, they instead blamed the market. Because of their own denial of mismanagement and their refusal to be introspective and propose real change, the American taxpayer shouldn't give them a penny. General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler are as American as a brand can be, but they've taken their good ol' boy status completely for granted. And I'm sure they were surprised when it was hinted that we would dare let them fail. But guess what, guys...the buck stops here.

Let's say your son came to your door asking for a thousand dollars because he was in trouble. Sure, you had the cash on you, but before handing over any of your green you'd probably ask why he needed it and how he'd plan to pay it back. The why and how are important because they indicate his ability and willingness to take the situation seriously. If he needed money because of a drug problem, you'd probably only loan it to him on the condition that the drug use would stop. Without that commitment, you'd be better off loaning it to someone else actually willing to do what was needed to turn his life around. The blame game of the big three proves to me that they're not ready to turn things around.

The big three have shown that they don't take the loan seriously because in two nights of watching C-Span I didn't hear a single one of them offer a plan large enough to reverse years of poor decision making and stubborn management. In fact their plans fell quite short of those required to justify this mega loan. They blamed their problems on the economy, not their outdated business practices. They believe that they're entitled to this money simply because they're as American as George Washington, not because they have a realistic recovery plan. Simply put, the Detroit automakers are as competitive in the auto industry as the Detroit Lions are in the professional football industry.

So here's my cantankerous message to the big three: Shame on you. Don't you dare testify to our self-important knuckleheads and tell them that if they don't give you the money, hundreds of thousands of jobs will be lost -- that's on you, not them. You're the ones responsible for not competing with international auto manufacturers. You're the ones that ridiculously thought that your companies could survive on national pride alone. You're the ones that somehow feel entitled to borrow this money just because of your brand name. You're the ones that have driven your companies into the ground for years, yet look to the economy as a scapegoat. I've got news for you: Your cars and management have sucked for years, yet 13 months ago, the Dow was at an all-time high. Get real...

And I hope that if the big three fail, our nation will learn an important lesson about the dangers of unionized labor. I'm all for people earning a living wage, but it must be determined by the market. Getting a group of workers together to strongarm an employer by dictating and enforcing their definition of a fair wage is simply an unsustainable, unrealistic endeavor that hurts more than it helps. I understand the reasoning behind unions, but as it's showing now, they can bring a giant to its knees. And when that happens, everyone loses. Tepom to the UAW: This is just as much on you as it is on the automakers.